31 Days of BPD
I get angry a lot. When I get frustrated, I become overwhelmed incredibly quickly and all it takes is a slight comment and I feel everything rising inside me until I blow. You know the saying ‘I’ve had it up to here‘, that’s how it actually feels.
I feel this – something – building up and up and once it gets to my chest I know there’s only seconds before I lose it. This is when I try and get out of the situation or change the subject. If that fails, I feel it rise into my head and all hell breaks loose.
One of my main triggers is being wrong. I have a massive problem with the idea that I’m not always right and this is something that I know is going to set me off. More often than not, it’s a conversation with my boyfriend where he proves me wrong about something.
It’s difficult because he should be able to prove me wrong about something and wind me up a little bit without me entering into an argument, but even though I know this reality it’s an impossible task when I’m in the moment.
Honestly I think it’s one of my worst traits and I’m really trying to be a little more calm and think for five seconds before I blow. And I think I’m doing much better (the boyfriend may disagree but I’m hoping he wouldn’t!) It’s a terrible trait/symptom/what ever you wanna call it because you lose the connection with yourself. You leave your body for five minutes or an hour or a day and you act like somebody you wouldn’t like. That’s what I find the hardest – the realisation that I wouldn’t want to be with me because I don’t like me.
But the only way is up, and with diagnosis comes the ability to strive to be better.