Day 4: Have you ever attempted suicide?

31 Days of BPD *Trigger Warning*

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I’ve never done something that has resulted in me being hospitalised or seriously ill. I have come close and I do become incredibly reckless though.

Driving is something I find a problem when I’m depressed. This hasn’t been such an issue since starting uni as I no longer have a car, but I definitely push on that pedal a little bit too hard when I’m angry or upset and therefore have nearly been a few accidents and actually stopped myself from driving for a number of months in fear for other people’s safety.

Around the time of my eating disorder which was bought on my severe anxiety, there was a situation which lead me to drive my car incredibly fast towards a high roundabout in hope for a quick and unpainful ending. At the last moment I swerved. There’s always been something that stops me going through with it.

It’s more that I don’t care whether I’m alive or not a lot of the time; rather than a desperate need to die. A lot of parts of my life are great, and a lot of parts are awful. I could be here or not be here and I’d be happy with either situation. When I walk home at night alone I’m not scared, when I’m depressed and fall asleep I sometimes think it would be nice not to wake up; but when I do, I’m back to daily life and that’s fine too.

Suicide in general definitely affects me in an unusual way when other people either attempt or successfully commit. I feel a huge sadness for people such as Robin Williams for example, as I understand in some ways his pain and his constant struggle every single day. A small part of me also feels proud of him as twisted as that may sound. He didn’t want to be here so he made the decision not to be. It doesn’t make him selfish for not being here for his family, he had just come to the end of what he could give and offer to this earth. He’d been suffering alongside being here for his family for quite some time by the sounds of it. It’s just a shame he no longer saw an alternative and no hope for getting better. We all know he was fantastic and loved worldwide, but he was at the end of the day just one person, and one person can feel incredibly alone and sad as their mind takes over.

love lauren x

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9 thoughts on “Day 4: Have you ever attempted suicide?

  1. ldure says:

    Hearing of Robin Williams’ death effected me the same way. I have found myself defending him and saying it’s not selfish.aybe it’s us who are selfish in wanting to keep people we love around.

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  2. gregmercer601 says:

    For most folks, depression comes in episodic waves. Each wave feels like the end, quite convincingly, yet if it passes – as it usually will in time and with treatment – the hopeless “facts” that had made life seem utterly over start to look like what they are: lies and nonsense. Hence, suicide in the midst of a painful itme when reality is distorted temporarily, strikes me as a horrendous time to make any serious decisions, let alone whether or not to kill oneself. Very few people regret their survival, strikingly soon after they were dead certain it was their only choice. I repeat, as it’s extremely important: very few regret survival. Hence the tragedy of it: it’s a bad choice in a moment of weakness and despair that precludes any recovery, any future. You can be defeated, utterly and completely, and yet if protected from your yourself briefly, thrive again soon enough. That’s the usual course of depression, and why suicide prevention is so worthwhile.
    As for me: in my youth I determined my life was over and everyone else in my life would benefit from my demise. I took a supposedly lethal dose of a medicine (by textbook it certainly was lethal), and somehow survived. Decades later, mostly good years, I only feel thankful I dodged the bullet I aimed at myself, without even trying. Blind luck counts for something, it seems. So I try to teach others the truth, so they don’t give up so much for no good reason. Life can be awful at times, but it’s a gift nonetheless, the most precious gift we ever recieve. We can learn and grown and overcome the most terrible circumstances – IF and only if we survive to do so. Let’s do so.

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  3. ldure says:

    When I was younger I used to hit the accelerator and close my eyes while I was on the expressway. Like a game of “chicken” with myself. I don’t do that sort of thing anymore because it endangers innocent people.

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  4. the constant opinion says:

    This is a beautiful post. Being a suicide survivor with massive scars that scream “this girl tried to kill herself” I feel that there is some sort of power or spirit even that takes hold of us, exploits the awful need to end our life. Once we are out of the darkness and into the light, this force loses all power. You know? I pray you are never pulled into that darkness. -Dana

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  5. Jon M. says:

    I attempted in 2011. I spent 8 hours in the hospital where they gave me insulin. I’ve been suicidal since at least 1991. I’d be much better off dead than in the third world hellhole that is the United States. I’m glad you have a boyfriend. I’ve never had a romantic relationship. 40% of Aspies never do.

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