31 Days of BPD *Trigger Warning*
I’ve never done something that has resulted in me being hospitalised or seriously ill. I have come close and I do become incredibly reckless though.
Driving is something I find a problem when I’m depressed. This hasn’t been such an issue since starting uni as I no longer have a car, but I definitely push on that pedal a little bit too hard when I’m angry or upset and therefore have nearly been a few accidents and actually stopped myself from driving for a number of months in fear for other people’s safety.
Around the time of my eating disorder which was bought on my severe anxiety, there was a situation which lead me to drive my car incredibly fast towards a high roundabout in hope for a quick and unpainful ending. At the last moment I swerved. There’s always been something that stops me going through with it.
It’s more that I don’t care whether I’m alive or not a lot of the time; rather than a desperate need to die. A lot of parts of my life are great, and a lot of parts are awful. I could be here or not be here and I’d be happy with either situation. When I walk home at night alone I’m not scared, when I’m depressed and fall asleep I sometimes think it would be nice not to wake up; but when I do, I’m back to daily life and that’s fine too.
Suicide in general definitely affects me in an unusual way when other people either attempt or successfully commit. I feel a huge sadness for people such as Robin Williams for example, as I understand in some ways his pain and his constant struggle every single day. A small part of me also feels proud of him as twisted as that may sound. He didn’t want to be here so he made the decision not to be. It doesn’t make him selfish for not being here for his family, he had just come to the end of what he could give and offer to this earth. He’d been suffering alongside being here for his family for quite some time by the sounds of it. It’s just a shame he no longer saw an alternative and no hope for getting better. We all know he was fantastic and loved worldwide, but he was at the end of the day just one person, and one person can feel incredibly alone and sad as their mind takes over.