Day 6: How’s your love life?

31 Days of BPD

nathan

This post is quite interesting for me. Me and my boyfriend Nath are probably the happiest we’ve ever been right now, but I think it’s fair to say I’m not always the best girlfriend and I can snap at the smallest things.

We’re also long distance and have been for the past year – this is nearly over and soon we’ll be together again, but it’s been a struggle. Particularly because of one of the less well known characteristics of BPD called Lack of Object Constancy.

When I was first diagnosed a few months ago, I took to YouTube in search for some answers, and Dani Z was one of the first channels I found. When I watched the video that I’ve posted below, it was the first time I felt as though I wasn’t completely crazy and that there was a reason for my short temper and lack of enthusiasm when Nath wasn’t actually present. It was also the main thing that eventually caused us to split up for around a month during March, so these answers meant a lot to me.

I’ve also been known to settle amongst my friends and family with people that aren’t 100% right for me. I definitely want to make it clear that I’m not settling with Nath – he’s brilliant and he means the world to me – but I have before countless times. I enter into relationships that I know aren’t right, and I stay in relationships when I know they’re not right. It’s all down to a fear of being alone. 

This is something I definitely struggle with. This overbearing thought that I’m too much to handle and at some point or another everyone’s going to leave. But I’m learning to become a bit more at ease with the concept, as the more I keep the wrong people around and stress about people leaving, the less chance I’m giving myself to end up happy. 

love lauren x

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6 thoughts on “Day 6: How’s your love life?

  1. Jon M. says:

    I gave up two years ago on ever having a romantic relationship. Even though it and having and raising kids are my most important, highest priority goals. It’s too torturous. Maybe if women bothered to ask men out, or the government matched people up to date. Like either of those will ever happen.

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  2. Dani says:

    While I don’t suffer with the same condition as you, I was probably borderline manic depressive when I was your age. My post on self harming and intrusive thoughts covered the fear of ‘being found out’ and everyone I love leaving me. Luckily I now only have mild anxiety and am engaged to be married in July!, but I often wish that when I was your age that the web was more available to me because, like you, the feeling of being crazy and ‘abnormal’ can be a huge trigger. It’s why I started writing, it was like a mini exorcism of the demons in my head. Well done on your blog 🙂

    PS in case you were interested in my blog post here’s the link https://theunmarkedroad.wordpress.com/2015/01/22/intrusive-thoughts-and-self-harm/

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