31 Days of BPD
Shopping is my biggest weakness when it comes to impulsivity. I spend whatever money I have on anything. Clothes, shoes, jewellery, furniture, food. Both for myself, and I become incredibly generous with presents for other people. I don’t have an off button. I stop when my card gets rejected as I’ve reached my overdraft limit.
If I know getting that new dress will mean I don’t eat for the next week, the dress will still happen.
I don’t think I’m particularly impulsive in any other area. Other than when I’m hypomanic and the business plans start. This is probably more to do with my Cyclothymia rather than BPD though. The business plans come together quickly and then the money on the new business gets spent in minutes.
It’s something I’ve tried to control a lot over the years. I’ve given money to mum to look after or put it into different accounts, but nothing makes a difference. I end up needing it all back half way through the month as I realise I don’t have enough to live.
I will conquer it eventually though; I’m determined!
BY LAUREN HAYLEY 
hey lauren,
i am also an impulsive shopper. what i shop for changes over time as my mood and interests do. i have had many moments with no money to my name (but with enough things paid for so i can eat and sleep comfortably) but somehow i always seem to get by. but then, i have no ongoing debt, children, big expenses.
i have developed new ideas about money and the (supposed) importance of having it. i seem to have always managed to do all that i have wanted to sometimes with very little of it. so interesting to think about. we all have such different relationships with money hey.
thanks for getting me thinking.
stuffattention
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Hi Lauren,
My manic side is impulsive to the point where shopping or “things” are purchased with the initial feeling that I’ll feel better after the purchase. That feeling is so fleeting.
Some of the things I buy aren’t even tangible…we’re talking extravagant dinners, presents for people for whom I shouldn’t make the purchase at all. It’s like a funnel!
I was recently given $5000 to pay off all my credit cards. How long do you think it took to charge them back up? Yup!
And now I’m left with the feeling like I’ve dug a hole I can’t get out of! The pressure of now owing (again) all this money, compared to the money I (don’t) have coming in, gets me more depressed! So along with my meds taking away my manic, impulsive side, I’m now even more depressed!
How do you compensate for that? Do you think you’ll ever get away from the “need” to spend?
I sympathize with you and understand! Thank you for sharing!
Stephen
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Hi Stephen. It’s really difficult and I think it’s probably something that will never go away completely. It’s very easy for people to say ‘you need to stop spending’ but it’s really not as simple as that. In all honesty I’ve not yet figured out the method for compensating for it, I spend until I have no more and then live in poverty for the next payday – missing meals or borrowing where possible. And you’re right in that it just makes you feel more depressed than you were to start with. It’s an incredibly vicious circle, but I’m hopeful that I will find some techniques to help. The need and desire won’t ever go away I don’t think, it’s apart of your disorder and you, but I do believe that with the correct help you could resist the urge. I hope you work it out – it’s not a nice feeling living in regret and worry for money! Lauren x
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Thank you Lauren! In a maligned way, it’s nice to know we’re not alone. You know what I mean! My doctor said to me “you’re 51…it’s time you brought the manic side closer to the depressive side and balanced it out”. And he’s right, but I’ve known no other way!
And I just looked online to see my paycheck…barely covers my rent! Glad I have plenty of tuna fish and PB&J! Oh…I need to buy bread! Then what about the next 2 weeks?! I’m afraid of never being out of this cycle, and it perpetuates itself.
BTW…what time zone are you in? I’m on EDT or GMT -5…which makes it 4:45am. I’ve been up all night! Typical!
Thanks again! Stephen xo
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When I got my diagnosis, I wasn’t sad or upset. If anything I was happy cos firstly there was a reason for the way my brain works, and secondly I didn’t feel like I was alone. There are millions of people that live with BPD and Cyclothymia. It made me feel apart of something which for someone that suffers with BPD, it’s what I crave and half of the reason for the madness. And I have to live in hope, I’m 22 and the thought of having to live with this until I’m 51 like yourself scares me. That’s a long time to live in worry. It’s definitely time to break the cycle. I’m in the UK GMT+1. It’s nearly 10am here I’ve just started the working day. I feel bad for you that you’ve got no sleep tonight, that takes it’s toll after a while!
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Lauren,
Very interesting couple posts I read here today. I will be back to read more. 🙂
I am not bipolar, but I can’t be too far off the grid. I have totally manic times, and totally down times. I am interested to hear what you have to say. I have depression, anxiety, and fibromyalgia, and have found recently that writing about it really helps organize my mind. I hope that you are getting the same benefit from your writing. Keep up the great work, and hang in there!
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Thanks a lot – I’m glad you enjoyed it 🙂
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