Anxiety is something I haven’t spoken about much on this blog. It’s much more centered on the BPD and Cyclothymia, but anxiety is a part of my every day life.
I have an overwhelming fear of not being in control. This manifests itself in Claustrophobia – because I can’t get out, and Agoraphobia – because I metaphorically can’t get out.
I haven’t been on a train in 8 months. Trains are the easiest and cheapest connection between my life in Leeds, and my family in Ipswich. I can’t sit on a train without having a panic attack because I can’t get off it if I need to. So I can’t get to my family.
I can’t sit in the middle of an exam. Or stand in the middle of a crowd. Because I can’t get out.
I carry water with me EVERYWHERE I go. Without fail. If I don’t have it. I will have a panic attack. I can’t even go to the toilet in a restaurant without taking a bottle of water with me. I can’t go to the bar without taking a bottle of water with me. I can’t walk across a room without talking a bottle of water with me.
It’s irrational. It’s draining. And it’s every single day.
It makes my life impossible and undesirable. And when you throw in a mix of depression and mania and all the things that come with a personality disorder, everything is beyond difficult.
I’d like to quickly thank the current members of The Mental Health Art Auction that I’m conducting in August. It’s been less than 24 hours and we already have some fantastic bloggers joining the fight.
The reason for doing this is so that something positive can come out of all this rubbish that can be my life at times.
The rubbish that can be everyone’s life.
It’s giving me something to look forward to – and for that, you’re all amazing.
If you’d like to join The Mental Health Art Auction fight, please let me know.