31 Days of BPD *Trigger warning*
I suffer with anxiety and so I have a few fears that relate directly to that –
- Fear of choking
These impact my life massively. Any small closed space, or even a formal setting where getting out would cause a fuss scares the life out of me. Trains. Elevators. Exams. Cinemas.
And the fear of choking has caused an eating disorder in the past. I was 17 when I stopped eating and luckily only 18 when I managed to control it. It was never Anorexia in the traditional sense, because it wasn’t about body image, but I didn’t eat at all. Every time I put food into my mouth, my throat closed up. Causing me to drop 2 st (28 lbs) pretty quickly.
Five years on, it still affects me but I’m OK. I eat enough and if anything I’m probably the biggest I ever have been (which isn’t at all big but I’m naturally small). But it still worries me. I’m always the last to finish a meal because I chew everything until there’s nothing left of it, when I look at a menu in a restaurant I evaluate which foods are less likely to choke me – it’s exhausting. This definitely isn’t as much of an issue currently as the Claustrophobia and Agoraphobia though. It’s just an underlying worry.
Really most of my fears are adaptations of this one fear:
I always want to be in control. And if I’m not it petrifies me. If I’m choking I’m not in control of my body. If I’m stuck in a room or situation I’m not in control of what happens to me. A few things happened in my early teenage years where I wish I had more control and maybe some of the horrible situations wouldn’t have happened. I think this affects me a lot and when I think about it, it’s really the route cause of a lot of my anxieties.
5. Never having children or marrying
I can’t blame my mental health disorders entirely because that wouldn’t be fair, I have to take part of the blame, but they do make me impossible to be with sometimes. I push people away out of fear that they’ll leave anyway – and my way is less painful.
My poor and quite frankly amazing boyfriend has to put up with a hell of a lot. I never stop pushing him. I trust him completely 100% in terms of being faithful, but I don’t trust his word at all when it comes to staying. I have real problems when it comes to trust – most likely stemming from the people that have let me down in the past. The four people that have hurt me the most in my life were all my family, and if they can do it, anyone can.
It sounds ridiculous because I’m almost helping my fear become true, but it’s like a self fulfilling prophecy and it’s almost become a fact in my own head. This is something I need to change desparately because I wouldn’t put up with me.
But anyway. That’s it. My five biggest fears. What are yours?