A letter to my brain.

shi

I’m so fucking annoyed with you. Beyond annoyed. Furious. 

You’ve spent as many years as I can remember making everything harder for me. Making me scared beyond belief and making me sadder than I thought it was possible for a person to feel. You’ve made me feel ashamed, helpless, irritated, confused, paranoid and snappy for a large proportion of my life.

You’ve made my relationships harder with everyone around me, and you’ve made my relationship harder with myself.

It’s like you’re not apart of me. You’re cruel and twisted and awful, so you can’t have a connection to me – because I’m not cruel. How can I have something that cruel living inside of me?

Sometimes you give me the confidence to achieve anything. I could conquer the world. But you put ideas into my head that are too big. They’re beyond my knowledge, experience and they require all the money I have, but you convince me that I can do it. I can do it – I could say that a million times. I love you so much in that moment because everything’s fine. It’s better than fine, it’s amazing.

But then you dramatically and visciously tear down these ideas with belated rational thinking. And the world becomes even more fucked up than it was to start with.

You make me want to give up. You make me hate the life I lead because it’s too difficult. It’s too difficult being in my head. It’s painful and it’s exhausting – dealing with this shit all the time.

So you know what, brain – shut up. Be quiet. Leave me alone.

Let’s stop all this shit. Give me normal. A break from my reality. Make me brave enough to do what I want in life, give me confidence in my abilities, but also give me the strength to know my limits. Make me happy with what I’ve got – because I have a lot and I have no reason to be sad, and allow me to breathe freely for the first time in a long time.

I’m not asking you – I’m telling you. This shit ends now.

I’m sick of you. So stop making me sick.

l

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12 thoughts on “A letter to my brain.

  1. myitchybubble says:

    Hi, thanks for liking my post on ‘lifeboattofreedom’ I’m glad you stopped by as now I’ve read your blog, it’s amazing!! I helped me better when I felt really crap earlier. My brain (or Darren as I call negative thoughts) has days when it won’t stop too, I hope this last long for you and your brain gives you a break soon. Thank you again, your blog is amazing x

    Like

    • bylaurenhayley says:

      Thank you so much that was a lovely comment. Darren, that’s hilariously random. I call my negative brain Linda (just because it begins with an L like Lauren) and my manic side Cynthia (because it sounds similar to Cyclothymia) – a good friend of mine came up with them and she always comes up to me like ‘How’s Linda today?’
      I will be checking out the rest of your blog 🙂 x

      Liked by 1 person

      • myitchybubble says:

        I know, first thing that came to mind haha! I disnt want to have anything that sounded similar to ir started with the same letter as my abusers, plus im random, like my emotions lol!! Ill be looking through yours too but what ive read so far is brilliant 😊 i hope Linda and Cynthia are going to keep quiet for you tonight x

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Joy says:

    Lauren- what a awesome letter! I am not diagnosed BPD, but I can completely empathize.
    Why is it my brain is so easily offended? Why is it overly sensitive? Why is it so easily rattled?
    Shut up brain! Be supportive! Be realistic! Be honest!
    Unfortunately, I think it’ll be a constant battle. If you figure it out please let us know. 😊

    Like

    • bylaurenhayley says:

      Thank you, Joy.
      I know. It’s incredibly frustrating and like you say, it’s likely to be a constant battle. But if I can change my brain in a negative way, I should be able to in a positive way, right?

      I’m agoraphobic and don’t like being trapped in any situation – this means I hate trains. I can’t do trains. I remember sitting in a taxi once saying to myself ‘you’re being ridiculous. It’ s just the same as this car. The car’s not scaring you and you’re trapped in this too. You can’t get out because you’re on a dual carriageway’.
      I didn’t get back in a car for 2 months after that.

      The brains a powerful thing, you can change it if you try hard enough! If it works that way round, it must work the other way round too 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. lifeofmiblog says:

    Interesting post…but so real! Only two nights ago I said to my wife that I have had enough, I want all this nonsense in my head to stop, I want to be normal (whatever that is). I want to be able to talk without worrying that I am hurting or offending someone, I want to be able to write and know the same, I want to be able to behave in a way that others don’t think is crazy….
    Keep up the fight!

    Liked by 1 person

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