A cluttered and cramped tunnel

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This is a thought I quite often have. Is it possible? Or is this a never-ending battle which I’m never going to be free from?

Sometimes there’s no end for me in sight. Actually there never is. I can never see the possibilities infront of me. There’s always too much crap in my head to allow me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I guess that’s the definition of mental illness in a roundabout way – it’s just a more cluttered and cramped tunnel so that it’s harder to see the light in the distance.

But it is there. If we keep pushing, fighting and striving to reach it. It has to be. There are so many stories of people that no longer fit the criteria to be diagnosed with their conditions and people that genuinely don’t struggle as much as they used to. There are so many people standing in that light that never thought it was possible, and so the possibility must be there for you and I as well.

tunEvery year I say to myself ‘this is it, I’m going to get through this’ and every following year I make the same statement after failing the previous. It’s difficult and it’s draining to keep living with these fears and these thoughts that haunt you.

It’s scary to be inside a mind of a person that doesn’t understand true happiness, that doesn’t know what it means. It’s ridiculous. How can I not know what true happiness is? How can I have never felt happy for longer than a week, or cried in a positive way?

It makes me want to throw it all in and admit defeat a lot of the time as that light grows weaker and looks further away than it ever has before. But whilst there’s still a glimmer of hope, I will continue to say to myself ‘this is it, I’m going to get through this’ – because I have to believe that in order to survive, and one day, that fighting spirit will make sure I do get through this.

lovelauren

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36 thoughts on “A cluttered and cramped tunnel

  1. tastyqqqs says:

    You know, I say the opposite to myself. I keep saying “this is the year I’ll jump off that bridge” and yet I sit and watch as my life becomes more of a caricature of depression by the day. Anyway. If it’s hard to conceptualize happiness, buy some marijiana . You’ll know what I mean.

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  2. Zoe says:

    Here are my thoughts about happiness: it is fleeting, for us (those with mental health conditions) and for everyone else. Life is up and down, some of just have more bumps and feel them more, some of us don’t. The important thing, I think, is not so much to focus on being happy but rather just living as best as we can. I find that when I actively try to be happy, and I don’t get there, I just disappoint myself and feel sad. But, when I live my life, and let all the moments hit me as they come, I manage to feel happiness.

    And every other emotion.

    So, you are definitely going to get through this, and you will be happy. You’re going to be okay because you’re going to try for that every day, and that marks the difference.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Mercedes Kim says:

    Lauren,
    You are very brave.
    Keep on pushing.
    Move on and forward.

    Perseverance is the key.
    Drugs are never the answer but you are a very smart, young lady. You already know that is certainly not the path.

    I don’t know how our paths have crossed but I just read your comments and I wanted to tell you that you are very brave.

    I don’t pretend to begin to understand what you feel because I don’t.

    What you describe sounds foreign to me except for depression.

    I have a slew of very serious medical conditions. Depression used to be one more challenge added to my difficult road, yet, after many years of being treated with psychiatric medications, I stopped them all without any side effects.

    There’s so much going on with my health right now that this might seem a detrimental move on my part but it wasn’t

    I Am not advising you to follow suit. That would be totally irresponsible and you are wise enough to discern what it is right and wrong for you.

    Just wanted to share a bit of my own experience.
    I firmly believe in the right to pursue happiness as long as we breath.

    I am glad I have never given up in spite of epic trials and tribulations.

    I am content that hope is st the helm of my life and it hasn’t disappointed me.

    Believe and keep striving because you never know what’s awaiting you at the end of that tunnel
    Life is not a straight line. It’s a very bumpy ride and most often than not significantly different from the original plan conceived in our minds.

    I have had my share of panic attacks in the face of great distress. Yet, based on the experience accumulated through years on this planet I can positively tell you,
    Keep on, surround yourself with positive people, seek, research, ask, knock on doors, explore, never let go.

    You will be amazed at the results.

    Best of luck to you.

    By the way, my faith has been the rock that has kept me anchored through all difficulties.

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  4. lifeofmiblog says:

    I think I have written the same thing somewhere and if I haven’t, I should have. I felt like that came straight out of my marshmallow brain…no offense to you intended!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. myitchybubble says:

    I feel like that too sometimes, its normally when im desperate to feel like everyone else. I have another chronic condition that the doctor told me rhey couldnt control and 4 months later im in remisssion.

    You mau always have bad days, but in time they will become less frequent. I hope youre feeling a little more postive.

    Dont give up pushing through that tunnel, you may not feel like it but every time you push youre winning

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      • myitchybubble says:

        Im not always positive but i think its healthy to get all those negative thoughts out, then at least they arent the negative thoughts. Its all trial and error but youre an inspriation to us all, i really enjoy reading blog 😊 x

        Liked by 1 person

  6. dicastlewriter says:

    I have to comment after your first paragraph. The phrase ‘pushing, fighting and striving’ resonates with me. Even my ‘doc’ says ‘keep striving’ if I am in a bad place. I love your blogs and am enjoying following you.

    Like

  7. SandySB says:

    So called personality disorders arise when our developmental trajectory follows an unusual path.

    This is usually because we have been raised in an adverse environment which has taught us unusual coping skills.

    To a greater extent this has become “hard wired” I.e. is harder to change than less firmly entrenchef ways of being.

    There are several effective treatments in the form of different psychotherapies.

    Medication can add to the benefits but is not THE answer.

    Mindfulness practices should help and research is taking place.

    Informally I have seen several folk with this “disorder” benefit from meditation.

    Just don’t give up and keep looking for the things that make sense to you.
    Sandy
    vajrablue.com

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  8. myheartbetrue says:

    Lauren,

    I understand what you mean. I suffer from depression and have for as long as I can remember. Just yesterday, was thinking about this issue. I have realized more joy than ever in my life, since I started working on this and nurturing myself. I have become my own best friend.

    I still have many bad days. But what I thought about yesterday was that maybe, in order to experience this joy fully, we had to go through this pain. That just maybe we can experience more joy than others because of the contrasting low-vantage point we came from. This joy I’m talking about isn’t a super happy mania, but a deep, inner peace and serenity. I’ve had glimpses of this feeling. I think it’s possible. I hope so.

    -Kristin

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    • bylaurenhayley says:

      You’re right in that maybe it seems better for us when we finally get there, I’d never thought of it like that before.

      I’m glad you’re feeling much better within yourself, that’s a start and hopefully those bad days become less and less frequent!

      Liked by 1 person

  9. isktaine says:

    “How can I not know what true happiness is? How can I have never felt happy for longer than a week, or cried in a positive way?” – I think very few people know what ‘true happiness’ is. I don’t even think it’s definable, let alone attainable. I’ve only cried in a positive way once, I think some people just don’t do that.

    I had those same thoughts that you describe a few years ago, and they ate me up. So I decided to redefine ‘happiness’. Instead of ‘Am I happy?’ I now ask myself ‘am I content, warm and safe?’. That’s my new ‘happiness’.

    There’s a really interesting opening to the book “The Happiness Trap” which gives a great answer to ‘why is it so difficult to be happy?’. It can be read here: http://www.thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/Introduction_to_the_Happiness_Trap.pdf

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  10. prideinmadness says:

    My view on happiness was changed when a “normal” person said to me, “Kristen, I have to work at being happy to. Happiness is not an automatic state.” It changed my life lol Our mental health model is all about deficits. Our diagnosis is all about what is wrong with us and not about the good things we have or can do. I have always said about myself, that whatever makes me hate as strong as I do also makes me love as strongly as I do. It’s the same intensity and drive.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Lauren says:

    I am also finding happiness from mental illness by trying new crafts, it gives a purpose and is really therapeutic! Just seen your signature image at the end of your blog posts and I am so amazed at how identical your handwriting is to mine!!! Must be a Lauren thing 😉 x

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  12. aspiringaspergian says:

    One thing that often helps is perspective. Focusing even on the little things can give us little pieces of joy like islands amid the topsy turvy sea of life. Did someone say or do something nice for you? Did you accomplish something worthy of being proud of today? (In my case, even cooking a good meal or arriving 5 minutes early to work counts in this area.) You are right. That light is there. But it isn’t nearly as far away as it sometimes seems, and it isn’t dependent on removing the person you are from the scene. I hope you can find those pieces of happiness and I hope they help you.

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