This is a thought I quite often have. Is it possible? Or is this a never-ending battle which I’m never going to be free from?
Sometimes there’s no end for me in sight. Actually there never is. I can never see the possibilities infront of me. There’s always too much crap in my head to allow me to see the light at the end of the tunnel. But I guess that’s the definition of mental illness in a roundabout way – it’s just a more cluttered and cramped tunnel so that it’s harder to see the light in the distance.
But it is there. If we keep pushing, fighting and striving to reach it. It has to be. There are so many stories of people that no longer fit the criteria to be diagnosed with their conditions and people that genuinely don’t struggle as much as they used to. There are so many people standing in that light that never thought it was possible, and so the possibility must be there for you and I as well.
Every year I say to myself ‘this is it, I’m going to get through this’ and every following year I make the same statement after failing the previous. It’s difficult and it’s draining to keep living with these fears and these thoughts that haunt you.
It’s scary to be inside a mind of a person that doesn’t understand true happiness, that doesn’t know what it means. It’s ridiculous. How can I not know what true happiness is? How can I have never felt happy for longer than a week, or cried in a positive way?
It makes me want to throw it all in and admit defeat a lot of the time as that light grows weaker and looks further away than it ever has before. But whilst there’s still a glimmer of hope, I will continue to say to myself ‘this is it, I’m going to get through this’ – because I have to believe that in order to survive, and one day, that fighting spirit will make sure I do get through this.