Fact, not detail.

Every time that I write a post on this blog I get the most amazing and complimentary comments from people. Now I can’t call you strangers because that would be incorrect (you know more about me than some of my friends), but you all exist in the 2D world. Not a single one of my followers have I ever actually met.

That’s a good thing by the way. It makes these comments even more lovely because you’re not comforting me because you have to. It’s not like feeling rude by blanking me in the street, you can just scroll down your reader newsfeed onto the next post and pretend you never saw mine and I wouldn’t know any different.

The comments vary depending on the post (I hate to state the obvious, of course they do!), but often I get this same response. People telling me I’m brave for discussing my disorders and sharing everything about my life.

‘Thank you for sharing!’
‘Very brave talking about having a diagnosis of BPD’
‘It takes a lot of courage to bring things into the open’

I’m not moaning, I promise. I love these comments – knowing that people find my posts useful and that they enjoy reading them makes writing this blog so worthwhile. And these comments are unbelievably sweet, I love that you find me open and willing to talk, because that’s how I want to appear and that’s what I want this blog to be. An open book. Which I am for the most part.


But I do have a confession.

I find it incredibly easy to write a single fact on my blog, for example: ‘Aged 13 – Sexual abuse, from another uncle‘ stated in a post during my 31 Days of BPD Challenge. 

frankIt’s a fact, a statement. Something which I can isolate from myself. However if someone was to ask me, ‘so what happened?

No. Stop talking about it, I don’t wanna know. No details. Because then it becomes real to me. It becomes my experience. And surely something like that never actually happened to me.

Please don’t now refrain from commenting on my posts for fear that I’m now going to call you out and quote you in a post, but in a very long-winded way I’m just trying to get across that I’m also fragile.

If you feel unable to speak so frankly about what’s happened to you, that doesn’t make you any weaker than me. Whilst I appear to have full confidence in speaking about these things, I don’t really.

We’re as equally strong and weak as each other.

I think I demonstrated this quite nicely in another one of my 31 Days of BPD posts where I tried to go into more detail about things but ended up clamming up at the last sentence, and so I’m going to end this today in the same defensive and blunt way:

End of post.


20 thoughts on “Fact, not detail.

  1. choochoomf says:

    Completely understandable. I only just started writing and I’m doing it anonymously but… there are things I just do NOT think I can ever admit in writing. And if I did, I feel the same way as you; it’s hard enough to just say it. Please don’t ask for elaboration. I will be forthcoming when *I* can handle it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. lenasclove says:

    Thanks for writing this. This is such an important distinction. I went very public with something bad that happened to me and often people think that therefore I have offered all of my secrets up to the public. I am still in the process of learning that I always have the right to say, “I’d rather not say” or, “I don’t feel like talking about it,” whether on the internet or with friends or with strangers in real life who recognize me on the street. These are our stories. When we choose to share parts of them, it is empowering, because we are CHOOSING which parts we share. Thanks again for your post! -Lena

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Fumbling Through Therapy says:

    I just started talking about my “stuff” recently and it ALWAYS feels like I’m talking about someone else’s life. My friends and therapist are very supportive in their comments about how strong and brave I am to share and be vulnerable, but it honestly feels like it doesn’t even involve me sometimes. Very strange.


  4. masochancer says:

    thank you for writing this…i’m considering taking a very “brave” and scary step in my own blog and this made me both feel better about not having done it yet and feel slightly more as if it might be accepted if i DO move forward with it.


    • bylaurenhayley says:

      We all have to work at our own pace. Actually it’s strange because I literally 2 minutes ago just spoke about my example in detail to a blogger. But it was to someone who was brave enough to speak in detail and my experience was identical to hers so I felt like I had to as she was reaching out. It’s strange. We feel comfortable around different people. Don’t do it before you’re ready, but of course all you’re going to receive is support and acceptance. That surprises me each time I post quite how many people have had similar things happen and how much love I get from them. Good luck!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. aspiringaspergian says:

    I like this blog and many others because it is so easy to identify with the thoughts and feelings behind the words when they aren’t clouded by confusing body language and intonations. The same types of uncertainties kept me from wanting to start my blog too. there are just some things that it takes awhile to feel ready to share. Some things are never shared. In my case, only one person on earth knows me personally as the writer of my blog. They are the person I can share most anything with. The anonymity granted by the internet is the only thing that allows me to open up as far as I do to anyone who might read my posts, and as you said, their encouraging remarks thus take on a different kind of meaning than those from a person who might just be trying to be polite. But even here on the web there are limits to how much we care to express. Again, as you said, there is no sign of weakness or inferiority in what we do and do not disclose here. These are our stories to tell how we see fit.

    Thank you for writing your great posts.

    Liked by 1 person

      • stuffthatneedssaying says:

        I really want to say yes to this, but I have this huge fear of committing to anything. Just went on a weekend trip and was freaked out by the fact that we prepurchased our tickets to everything. What if we needed to change our plans?! I’ll try to convince myself I can do it. Will you hate me if I agree to it and end up flaking out?


      • bylaurenhayley says:

        Of course I won’t hate you! But I’m also not allowing you to join until you’re sure, because I’m not being responsible for your anxiety and stress! Take time and think about it, it really does require as much effort as you want to put in though. Even one post will help advertise a bit. Have a think and if you have any questions send me an email xlaurensowterx@hotmail.co.uk 🙂


  6. anxietybug88 says:

    I struggle with the term “brave” all the time. People have told me the same things they’ve told you, and in my case, it’s less of being brave and more of me just being an over-opinionated loudmouth. I’ve gone from being way too shy to way too out there. Well, maybe not WAY too out there, but enough to where some people can’t understand how I’m okay saying the things I say to people I’ve never met.


    • bylaurenhayley says:

      I think sometimes over speaking is a coping mechanism for wanting to feel strong! I do that too. And I know my mum does. Always acts confident rather than wanting to act insecure. It’s called being human. It’s hard to get the balance but more people can relate to It and understand it than you’d expect!

      Liked by 1 person

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