*Trigger warning*

I had a moment last night. Or a few hours. 

I was lying in bed and feeling absolutely helpless. You know when your mind works at a million miles an hour and it just won’t shutup.

I’d been hypomanic before I went to bed, and even though I lay there completely still, my mind was working in overdrive. But negatively. Which is unusual when I’m in that state.

I started thinking about all the things that make my life difficult at the moment. My agoraphobia is the biggest thing I have to deal with daily right now. I can’t go higher than one floor in a building, or get on a bus or train – sometimes even a car.

And I just can’t see the end of it. I can’t believe I’ve allowed myself to get into this much of a hole that I just can’t get out of. How am I ever going to fix this? How am I ever going to get over this?

This was playing over and over and over in my mind as I lay there last night. I felt completely and utterly helpless. Shaking and crying at the idea that this is now my life. This is how my life is always going to be.

But then I look around this amazing community of people that I’ve gotten to know that are getting better, doing things they never thought they were capable of and living their lives the way they want to.

So maybe this isn’t it. Maybe I’m not helpless.



25 thoughts on “Helpless

  1. Sophie says:

    I hate those days! Youve come far, its just hars to see it sometimes. I was thinking about demanding medication i had refused twice and then realised i was just panicking. I hope youre feeling better today, i told a couple of days ago that people with MH disorders tend to forget how far theyve come and the demonds theyve battled

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Lorraine says:

    It’s true focus on the marathon not the “race”. Everyone has “life” beating them up. We get an extra dose but if you can see past those moments that are truly insignificant over the course of our lives it can get easier.
    This coming from depressed in bed all last week 😜😁
    But it is true. My husband helps me with that concept and idea. Yes we have an illness and have special needs but broken we are NOT!
    Hang in there Lauren. This community cares 😘☀️


  3. Exploring Alura says:

    Lauren, what you felt last night isn’t it at all. Your life has purpose, meaning, and beauty. Sometimes though, when we allow the negative side of ourselves to control the mind, we often fail to perceive just how good things are…in the moment we live in.

    When I look at my life, there are three different perspectives I can choose to base my choices around. The past, the present, or the future.

    The past is full of history I can’t change, details I cannot confirm, and lessons meant to be learned. Living in the past is a very easy way to live. It focuses on remembering all the things, some good but mostly all the bad that ever happened, holding them against yourself, against others, and against time itself in an attempt to control outcomes in an unpredictable future. Possibly in an attempt to decide behavior ahead of time, should a similar circumstance occur in the future.

    Living in the past is very reactionary. You always feel one step behind because you literally take every detail of your life and merge it with the pain and negativity you’ve bottled up over the course of life to come up with a reaction that adequately expresses how wronged you have been every step you have ever taken in your life.

    I consider this the victim’s path. Everything that ever went wrong serves to further pull you down, holding you back before you ever grow your wings to fly. Who needs that?

    On the flip side, you can attempt to predict the future and make choices about something that hasn’t even taken shape, been given full definition, or is even a sure possibility.

    Living is the future is a daunting lifestyle choice. You can never be certain your decision will be the right one until all the cards have been played out. You also unknowingly put the burden of every infinite possibility on your shoulders because if you don’t know exactly what the future will be the you must accept that every possibility that exists. That’s a lot of baggage to carry. So living life in the future is extremely heavy.

    For myself, I like to put myself right in the middle. I look at what is currently affecting me in this moment and I stabilize myself around that. I’ve already accepted my past and moved forward and am optimistic about the future but am not held back by the weight of possibility. I am free to live as I choose. Right here. Right now.

    That freedom is yours too. It just comes down to choosing to free yourself from the negatives of your past and the weight of your future, so you may fly as high as the winds of change may carry you.

    You are meant to fly. Lets find your wings.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. amylynnrand says:

    I love your ending quote. 😊 I hope today is a better day. The things you are doing in your life, despite your struggles mean you are far from helpless. It may feel that way sometimes, but in fact you are very, very strong. 😍

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Blue290 says:

    Being aware of it is of course the first step. Next you try to brave small steps towards recovery. Expect failures, but also celebrate the small wins. Don’t rush it and don’t give up.


  6. xfrozenmemory says:

    I went through the same thing last night. I’ve been having trouble sleeping lately because my mind won’t turn off when I lie down, going on and on about how I am probably stuck like this, about how there’s no hope right now, about what I want to see change in me, about how I can make that change in me. I was crying laying down normally, crying in fetal position, crying pacing. Hyperventilating. Bad. I feel for you. Hopefully we will make it through.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Aidan says:

    Geez, yesterday just seemed to be a bad day all around. I cried myself to sleep last night. I still don’t know why I was/am so upset. Must be something in the air. =/ Good on you for staying positive and finding strength in the victories of others. We’ll get there. We don’t have a choice. =)

    I love that nail polish quote, by the way. I’ll have to print that out and hang it by my vanity.


  8. northernrose17 says:

    Something I’ve read recently is the idea of replacing “I’m x” with “I’m having the thought that I’m x”, e.g. replace I’m helpless with I’m having the thought that I’m helpless. It creates a little gap between you and the thought, and can reduce the intensity of the feelings generated a bit.


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