I had a moment last night. Or a few hours.
I was lying in bed and feeling absolutely helpless. You know when your mind works at a million miles an hour and it just won’t shutup.
I’d been hypomanic before I went to bed, and even though I lay there completely still, my mind was working in overdrive. But negatively. Which is unusual when I’m in that state.
I started thinking about all the things that make my life difficult at the moment. My agoraphobia is the biggest thing I have to deal with daily right now. I can’t go higher than one floor in a building, or get on a bus or train – sometimes even a car.
And I just can’t see the end of it. I can’t believe I’ve allowed myself to get into this much of a hole that I just can’t get out of. How am I ever going to fix this? How am I ever going to get over this?
This was playing over and over and over in my mind as I lay there last night. I felt completely and utterly helpless. Shaking and crying at the idea that this is now my life. This is how my life is always going to be.
But then I look around this amazing community of people that I’ve gotten to know that are getting better, doing things they never thought they were capable of and living their lives the way they want to.
So maybe this isn’t it. Maybe I’m not helpless.