Feeling sad and defeated

Last year I took a placement year from university, where I worked for an exhibitions company. I abolutely loved it and shortly after one of our exhibitions at the NEC, I was asked to return the following year to work on the show again.

That’s a big thing. It’s a company that I absolutely loved working for and could potentially work for after uni. And I must have done a good job to have been asked back.

Fast forward 10 months, and agoraphobia has taken it’s form. Today, I got the sweetest email from my boss last year inviting me down for free travel, accommodation, food and nearly £500 for a few days work. Nevermind the fact I’d get to see my friends again that I haven’t seen for around 6 months now and all the venue staff and contractors that I got to know during my time at the company.

And I can’t do it. I can’t go. Because I can’t sit on the train. And I have no other means of getting there.

That is the only thing stopping me from going, and I really want to go.


It’s just so frustrating, but it’s a role that needs filling so I couldn’t keep putting off answering her in hope of a magic cure just around the corner, or let her down last minute.

It’s a shame but I have to think about what I’m capable of. And right now I’m not capable of sitting on a train for two hours. It’s as simple as that.


37 thoughts on “Feeling sad and defeated

  1. undyingardor says:

    I am so sorry to hear about this! I totally understand the crushing blows of agoraphobia. Before I got better, I couldn’t work, drive, or go to the store by myself. I don’t know if this will be any help to you, but the way that I tried to combat it was to go out of my element with a group of others I’d known. In my case (which I must admit is extreme) it was never having been on a commercial flight, and hopping on a plane to Jo-burg by myself for over a day. Then I spent several weeks there with friends. The feeling of accomplishment, and the fact that I made it out alive reinforced the fact that I could operate independantly. Also, I had that fallback of people I knew once I got there.

    I really hope that you may one day get over your obstacles.. Sounds like you have a wonderful career ahead of you, doing what you love! That’s wonderful.


    Liked by 1 person

  2. Katie says:

    I know the feeling. I’m sure many of your readers have been there. That feeling of not being able to do XYZ even though you know on some level it’s as easy as just doing XYZ. This shall pass, but it is hard when you’re in it. Sending you positive thoughts!


  3. maryef says:

    Perhaps it would help you to do a version of compartmentalization. Are you able to take a shorter train ride at all, to see how you would do? I have had to ease myself into many situations like that. Best of luck to you and just know that this is just a part of who you are, it does not define you as a person.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Aidan says:

    I’m very sorry to hear about that. =( Try to look on the positive side, in that this can be just one more thing to motivate you towards getting better that much faster!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. lifeofmiblog says:

    That really is sad 😞
    Very good though that you are taking control of your situation, not pretending that it doesn’t exist which would only make matters worse. There will no more opportunities in the future.


  6. therabbitholez says:

    Wow I’m so sorry to hear this, what a blow,as you say as things are now it would have so traumatic to attempt to travel there, you have made the best decision with your condition as it is now it would have just made you more anxious, but remember will you will overcome this and there will certainly be more opportunities for you:)


  7. Kit Dunsmore says:

    One of the hardest things in life is living with my limitations. There are things I can’t eat, things I can’t do. And I just have to accept that and live within those bounds. I love the idea that we can be and do anything we want, but sometimes I get annoyed by people spouting these philosophies because they don’t always take into account that we are human and have limitations.

    I hope you can find peace around this. May you change your limitations or learn to live happily with them.


  8. kimberlyqae says:

    Is it possible that you can reschedule for a later time, or do something else with the same people in the future, when you’re more comfortable?


  9. tvgirl74 says:

    I totally understand your fear, I once suffered terrible agoraphobia due to an inner ear condition called labyrinthitus which causes horrendous dizzy spells and nausea, I couldn’t leave the house because I was afraid I’d collapse etc, even after it went away 6 months later I struggled even leaving to go to the shop that’s literally seconds away.. You have my sympathy and I hope you find the strength to get on that train xx


  10. Mercedes Kim says:

    Is there anybody at all who can and be willing to accompany you?

    If not, can you try to go and see how far you will make it?
    If you cannot get on the train, do not despair. Do not beat up yourself on it but can you at least try?

    See if you can sit down on that train and use all the usual techniques to calm and distract yourself..
    If the train is the only obstacle
    Try telling yourself
    A bit longer
    Just a bit longer
    And see how far you go

    I have suffered from agoraphobia just one time in my life. It was crippling and felt ridiculous that I couldn’t manage to make it to the entrance door but everyday I kept pushing a bit further until one day I sat behind the wheel again.

    I kept telling myself that no matter how long it would take me I would not be stuck in my home forever

    I used imagination techniques, breathing, meds, prayer, I relied on friends . I kept talking to others and I visualized myself in a better place.

    I refused to be a prisoner of my mind. Took me a while but I did it.
    If you ask me which was and still is my main source of strength is God.
    I keep telling Him I can’t do this alone but with you by my side nothing is impossible


    • bylaurenhayley says:

      I obviously do need to start doing that and improve. But unfortunately this is a position that needs filling and I care too much about them to let them down last minute. It’s also somewhere I’m likely to get a job after graduation so it’s not worth messing them about. They’ve already emailed back saying ‘2016 instead then!’ – so all is not lost. I literally have no other way of getting there. I’m at university nowhere near home so don’t have any family or anything close and don’t have a car! I’m glad things got better for you.


  11. stuffthatneedssaying says:

    Sorry you’re missing out on something you want to do. Driving freaks me out – I do drive, but not with passengers or in bad weather or preferably anyplace where I don’t already know exactly how to get there. Driving to work on the interstate just about killed me, even after a year of doing it. So there have been a lot of things I wanted to do and didn’t because I’d have had to drive to them.


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