I’ve been in a really bad mood since yesterday because me and my housemate had a bit of an argument. You know the kind where it starts as something relatively small and petty but builds and builds until you both say things you don’t mean?
I snap a lot anyway. I can’t help it. I’m not good at biting my tongue, I never have been. If someone does something slightly wrong in my eyes, they become the devil to me and I have no control over the words that come out of my mouth.
I like to think of myself as a good friend though. I genuinely really care about my friends and wouldn’t ever do anything to make them upset or feel uncomfortable. I don’t have a lot – but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I have a lot of acquaintances and a few good friends that I’d trust with my life. And my housemate is one of those good friends.
The reason I got upset is because she thought I was trying to exclude her from certain things and that I was going behind her back – which as I’ve just mentioned is the complete opposite to how I treat my friends. It upset me that she thought I could be intentionally malicious towards her; I really do feel quite let down right now and spent all of last night just randomly bursting into tears.
The problem with me though, is I know I can be irrational and make a bigger deal out of things. So when something really does affect me, I can’t tell whether or not I’m being rational or if my BPD driven bitch-head is on which is hard for me.
My instinct right now though is telling me that I am being rational and that I’ve done everything in my power to make her feel the opposite of how she obviously feels. For a couple of days, it’s now about avoidance and hopefully a bit of space will calm the storm.