I promised you all an update after I disappeared off the face of the earth – so here it is.

When things go, for a lack of a better word, shit – my brain just shuts down and the last thing I want to do is talk to anyone. In fact, I can’t talk to anyone. There are no words.


This time it all comes down to fallings out with people and just feeling like everyone’s against me at the moment.  I don’t feel comfortable in my own home and surroundings so I have increased anxiety and haven’t been myself at all. Things are now getting a little better though and friendships are beginning to sort themselves out – plus it’s always the more unlikely people who step up to the plate and become your friend in your hour of need, isn’t it? And I’ve really discovered I have a lot more true friends than I originally thought.

I posted on the 26th February asking for suggestions based on what I could do to embarrass myself. It was a task set by my hypnotherapist encouraging me to do something out of my comfort zone and become more at ease with the idea of publicly having a panic attack. The more at ease I am with the situation, the less I’ll then avoid certain places, and ultimately I’ll be less likely to panic.

You gave me some great suggestions. I spent ages giggling through them all. Some of the people you know have some serious guts! In the end though, I went for:

  • Waving at someone random in the street
  • Leaving my phone off silent and getting someone to ring me in a lecture
  • Spilling a drink on myself in public

Have I done them though? Of course not. With increased anxiety it was the last thing I wanted to do. But in the last couple of days, I’ve began feeling myself again so over the next week I’m making it my mission to achieve them all before we break up at uni for Easter.

Wish me luck and I’ll check it again soon!


15 thoughts on “Update

  1. Dani says:

    It never fails to amaze me how people reveal themselves to us when we really need them. I’ve lost quite a few ‘close’ friends since getting engaged – apparently it’s a common side effect *sigh*.

    Sorry to hear you’ve been having a bad time. I am the same. The more anxious I am the less I want to talk to anyone. Glad to have you back 🙂 xx


  2. The Pretty Little Sparrow says:

    I know exactly how it feels to want to completely disconnect from everyone around you. It becomes so hard to even blog when it gets shit. We will always be here when you get back 🙂 xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Mercedes Kim says:

    Good luck Lauren!

    You are fighting fiercely to overcome your challenges

    You are very brave and your perseverance is going to pay off eventually

    I have no doubts about it
    It may take you longer than you wish but you are going to reach your goals

    To a person who doesn’t suffer from your ailments it may be very hard to comprehend your levels of anxiety
    Going from point A to point B is what most people do without even thinking about it
    But for you is a struggle
    Your Struggle. And that should be enough for people to respect your disability

    Friends who don’t understand can be encouraged to read about your condition and educate themselves

    Those who criticize or are nothing but negative influences should be kept at bay. You don’t need more aggravation in your life
    Either they change their opinions and actions or they can’t be part of your life

    Sometimes people are very insensitive about what they don’t know. Some do it out of ignorance
    Others are real sick… in their hearts because they are full of anger and hatred

    I agree with you. Strangers might be very kind and understanding. One never know who might extend a hand to help and comfort

    Be thankful for those
    And keep striving to improve your quality of life

    I read your blog because
    You are very young
    I became disabled at a very young also
    I admire your resilience, perseverance and lastly

    Because I know in my heart that one day you are going to look back and realize and how far you have come

    There are many young people struggling with a myriad of different problems that can find inspiration and hope in the way you have faced your trials and tribulations

    Liked by 3 people

  4. therabbitholez says:

    I agree friends come from unexpected places and times, thank goodness, glad it’s settling down now.

    I like your challenges and your continued courage to overcome your anxieties and get back to health and life.

    Take care.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. John Lauck says:

    Good fortune to you, Lauren, always. The storms you are enduring will pass. Those who care for you will help you in whatever way they can, and they will wait, patiently, for you to return. Remember that you are strong as well as beautiful, and dwell for a while within that peaceful knowledge. Treat yourself tenderly; sing to yourself every now and again, even if it’s a tune only you know, and bring yourself gradually back to the full happiness you are meant to have.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. lifeofmiblog says:

    Thanks, great post and welcome back!
    When I was in hospital, my psychologist got me to do three tasks for similar reasons. However she first got me to identify the things that cause me the most anxiety, then she chose three to achieve: being late, having to use wet towels (when exercising a lot I might shower several times in the day and tend to use a number of towels), being held up by others when walking (in hospital we would go for walks as a group and some in the group were very slow). So my tasks were
    1) Arrive late for a group session and not apologize, just take a seat – not just late but ten minutes late
    2) only use one towel a day
    3) walk with the group

    I know how you feel! As stage two for task 1, I had to arrive late and bring a cup of coffee for one of the other members of the group – again no apologies! Aahhh
    All the best….

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Kentucky Angel says:

    Having been there before I really know the feeling Lauren. And I’ve done some of the things you set as your goals, but not exactly on purpose. With MS, I just forget to turn my phone off most of the time, I have an uncanny habit of spilling things, but most of the time on other people, and as for waving at random people in the street, I live in a small town where it is just a habit to smile, wave and say hello to everyone, whether you know them or not.
    I’m a clumsy person, but I’ve convinced myself that it’s because of the MS since I was finally dx’d late in life. I’m forgetful, but I can now say it’s because I’ve lost another brain cell. When people talk about me behind my back, I’ve just gone up to them and told them if they want to say anything about me, just say it to my face because only cowards talk behind a person’s back. And only yesterday I refused to allow the head of maintenance in my apartment building entry into my apartment, because I don’t like him.
    Stand your ground, keep telling yourself you are a wonderful person and if you lost some friends, it is their loss, not yours. Half my family no longer speaks to me, but that is their loss. I’m a good person, even though it took me a long time to stop being the whipping post of the family, and if it made them angry that I stopped, so be it.
    Best of luck to you. You will make it thru because you are in the right.


  8. stuffthatneedssaying says:

    Good luck with your intentional embarrassments! This reminds me of a page we covered in DBT group, with suggestions of ways to practice interpersonal skills. Some of them made sense, like asking a librarian for help finding a book. Most of them, however, horrified me by how rude they sounded. Things like using the bathroom in a restaurant without buying anything, or asking for a glass of water, drinking it at the counter, and then leaving. Or asking to sample meat at the deli and not buy any. Or scheduling a hair appointment only to call back later and cancel.

    I asked if people seriously did this sort of thing. I mean, obviously some people do, but I couldn’t believe we were actually being encouraged to act this way.

    Liked by 1 person

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