Cut the bullshit, I’m bored.

Things are really difficult at the moment. I seem to be spiralling back down and I’m trying to remain positive and say to myself that ‘this is just what happens’ and ‘there are going to be lows but it’ll be fine’ – but it’s really really difficult.

I’m organising an event on Monday 4th May which is going to be amazing but it’s putting me under so much pressure. And then I have three exams also before the end of May.

I’ve been feeling stressed for a while now but it’s really only the last week that my body and my anxiety have really been taken over by it. I’m constantly anxious. I had three panic attacks yesterday and was sick twice. One of my attacks was during a client meeting for my event and I had to embarrassingly ask to get up and walk out half way through allowing the others to continue without me.

It’s just a lot. Honestly right now I have nothing positive to say so I’m really sorry for that – I just need to rant. You know those days where everything feels on top of you and you’re just sick of trying because it never seems to get any better? I’m having one of them years.

I feel drained and tired and sick and… I just have this overwhelming feeling of boredom, ya know? I’m bored of this story. I’m bored of feeling either depressed or anxious or something else that I don’t want to be feeling everyday for the last 10 years. It’s verging on half of my life. That’s a long time.

12

Me, 13

I wanna go back to when this photo was taken and start again.

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18 thoughts on “Cut the bullshit, I’m bored.

  1. prideinmadness says:

    It sounds like you have a lot going on so I can understand why you would feel stressed! Be kind to yourself and try and find even a brief moment to breathe 🙂

    Good luck with your even and exams!

    Like

  2. wanderlusterlee says:

    I think I’m trying to convince myself that I’m happy, but as I read this I can almost relate to every single word you wrote and it’s sad. I’m sorry that you’re under so much pressure, I can’t imagine anything worse than having more than one panic attack a day. I wish I could insert an uplifting speech here, but I’m guessing you’ve heard all of them. Hope things get better for you xx

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Truthseeker247 says:

    Hey – although I am not anxious, I too am bored. There is too much “sameness” in my life right now. Despite moving multiple states away from home and starting at another university I am tired of the same old shit. I find school to be far from challenging and therefore boring. I need a job but thankfully had an interview today.

    Do you exercise at all? Even just walking outdoors can work wonders! Yoga and meditation are sweet too.

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  4. lifeofmiblog says:

    Sorry to hear this. Certainly constant pressure, even if we enjoy the buzz of it, breaks down our resolve and leaves just bits of us.
    Today, tomorrow for you, I awoke and found myself in an enormous black hole. Over the past year since my meltdown I have so often fealt like you, although it has been nearly half a century of it for me. But now my meds seem to have stabilized, I say “@&?$$ it, I’m not going to let it do this to me, I’m going to do what I did all the years prior to knowing what was wrong with me.” I know that wasn’t a great place, I know that one day I’m likely to just say “it’s enough….”, but at least I could function (in some form or other). So hear I am feeling like life is being sucked out of me, feeling so sad that I’m “crying in my pretzels”, actually in my Vietnamese coffee in my favorite cafe, because the only thing that helps even a little is helping others with words (I’m quite certain this won’t help you but that’s the benefit of a deluded mind).
    Keep writing, keep fighting, your words often offer comfort when nothing else does.
    BTW, great pic, I love the hair! Your mother’s work? Take heart 🌻

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hal Mathew says:

    As a formerly anxious, depressed and agoraphobic person, I’d like to ask what you are doing on a regularly basis to overcome these disorders? I lived a nightmarish life for a long time, but I worked with shrinks, tried meds (be very careful here) organized peer groups, studied brain science on anxiety, wrote a lot and learned to meditate as part of my journey out of the panic attack hell. I now have a website devoted to overcoming panic disorder and agoraphobia. Hope you’ll peek in.

    I am astonished at how much you’re doing while plagued with panic and depression. Praise yourself every day for that. I think work and school can be excellent diversions but you have to learn how to totally immerse yourself in each experience and figure out a way to enjoy and learn from every painful step of the way. Do you have good breathing rituals, are you doing therapy,taking meds, and so forth? You’ll win this battle by working hard. I did – over 20 years ago. Peace be with you sister. Hal Mathew unagoraphobic.com

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  6. the Prodigal Orphan says:

    Honestly, little sister, if you went back and started all over think of all you would miss out on.
    I’m neither naïve nor stupid enough to think or believe it was all a bunch of giggles, but it’s helped turn you into an incredible young woman.
    And we need as many of those as we can get.

    Like

  7. wausonart says:

    Sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time! Everybody needs to rant sometimes. It’s normal, especially when you are feeling anxiety and stress. Hang in there! I suffer too from anxiety! It’s causes horrible health problems for me. I’ve struggled most of my life with terrible sicknesses made worse by anxiety and stress. My worst affliction are migraines and GERD, which are considersably worse when I am stressed or anxious. I have struggled to cope most of my life. It’s an ongoing process with highs ands lows. I am tring to learn coping mechanisms.

    Like

  8. wausonart says:

    Sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time! Everybody needs to rant sometimes. It’s normal, especially when you are feeling anxiety and stress. Hang in there! I suffer too from anxiety! It’s causes horrible health problems for me. I’ve struggled most of my life with terrible sicknesses made worse by anxiety and stress. My worst afflictions are migraines and GERD, which are considersably worse when I am stressed or anxious. I have struggled to cope most of my life. It’s an ongoing process with highs ands lows. I am trying to learn coping mechanisms.

    Like

  9. Emily Lane says:

    Hi Lauren –

    When I begin to feel that way, I tell myself that there is only so much I can do at one time. I write down everything that needs to be done in priority order, and then I just start at the top, and work my way down the list. This seems to make getting my work done not as nerve-wracking, and helps to keep the priority list in sight. Also, not sure if you’re religious, but I say a prayer, and give my anxiety and struggles over to a higher authority. “Letting go” seems to help a great deal.

    I wish you peace in the weeks ahead. Take some deep breaths and smile. (I know it sounds kind of lame but it helps me when I’m overloaded).

    Like

  10. magickmogwai says:

    Never apologise for just needing to rant. Sometimes it helps and we all wish we could help you. I know the feeling of being bored and wanting to go back to a time without anxiety or depression so I get where you are coming from. Keep strong and take one day at a time x

    Like

  11. eggertl2 says:

    Lauren, once when is had enough, I did a wandering walk-around the University that I attended. I found my way to the observation room at the campus radio station and stars there for a bit. Then wandered to the art department to see what people were doing. This one day, wandering worked… I looked at the sky, looked at the grounds and breathed deeply as I wandered around. I talked briefly to a couple of people who I never met (and I didn’t die) and for an hour, it was good. It might work for you too, never can tell unless you let it happen.. You are not alone

    Liked by 1 person

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