Round two

So I left home for my lesson at uni today at 1:50pm – and I was home by 2:20pm.

It was on the second floor of the building, which unbelievably is the highest I’ve been in around three months now. I find height really difficult with my agoraphobia, because I feel like I’m further from the exit and my ‘escape route’; though quite what I’m trying to escape is still a mystery.

I like to feel safe in any situation and this prevents me being anywhere where I feel trapped. Transport, evidently high buildings, and even queues and exams (because I still shouldn’t just walk off).

I lasted until about 2:05pm in the room. Tapping my foot quickly on the floor in fear, trying to think of anything that wasn’t my mouth going dry and my heart racing at a million miles per hour. And then I ran. Down both sets of stairs until I reached outside.

The thing is though, my anxiety takes over my life. It stops me doing what I want to do. And today, it stopped me getting the feedback for an event I organised yesterday and have put so much work into over the past four months.

pr

So I stood there and for the first time thought ‘No, fuck this, I’m trying again’.

Now I can’t say it was successful, because this time I lasted about 10 seconds before I burst into tears and left for real, upset and angry. But it was the first time I said no to myself when my body told me I couldn’t do it.

So I’m taking that as a positive at least.

And next time, I’m aiming for round two to last 20 seconds.

love lauren x

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10 thoughts on “Round two

  1. lizziecarver says:

    That was very brave, Lauren – I hope you can be proud of your courage.
    Do you have any “First Aid” strategies for scarey situations like this? Have you ever tried EFT? I find it can really help to bring down anxiety levels.

    Like

  2. lifeofmiblog says:

    Good morning, I think the biggest positive in this is that you are still trying 👏🏼 you could just stop and become crippled by your problems. So don’t worry if next time you don’t do any better, or even worse, just keep going. Just don’t try to over achieve, that is just setting yourself up for disappointment.

    Like

  3. Kara11190 says:

    I too have agoraphobia and while reading this I felt as though I was listening to my own thoughts. I too feel trapped OFTEN. What I am trying to run from I don’t know but I completely understand the feeling. My therapist happens to have her office on the 4th floor! I get really anxious going there but it has gotten easier. I have left before but like you I try to think of it as a positive step because I didn’t give up. I have been dealing with this for 13 years now. I’m so glad I stubbled upon your blog and plan on following you throughout your journey!

    Like

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