So I left home for my lesson at uni today at 1:50pm – and I was home by 2:20pm.
It was on the second floor of the building, which unbelievably is the highest I’ve been in around three months now. I find height really difficult with my agoraphobia, because I feel like I’m further from the exit and my ‘escape route’; though quite what I’m trying to escape is still a mystery.
I like to feel safe in any situation and this prevents me being anywhere where I feel trapped. Transport, evidently high buildings, and even queues and exams (because I still shouldn’t just walk off).
I lasted until about 2:05pm in the room. Tapping my foot quickly on the floor in fear, trying to think of anything that wasn’t my mouth going dry and my heart racing at a million miles per hour. And then I ran. Down both sets of stairs until I reached outside.
The thing is though, my anxiety takes over my life. It stops me doing what I want to do. And today, it stopped me getting the feedback for an event I organised yesterday and have put so much work into over the past four months.
So I stood there and for the first time thought ‘No, fuck this, I’m trying again’.
Now I can’t say it was successful, because this time I lasted about 10 seconds before I burst into tears and left for real, upset and angry. But it was the first time I said no to myself when my body told me I couldn’t do it.
So I’m taking that as a positive at least.
And next time, I’m aiming for round two to last 20 seconds.