Life can change so much in a year

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This photo came up on my Timehop this morning – you know the app that tells you what you were doing this day last year and all the other years since you’ve been on social media.

I took it from the roof top bar in the Hilton on Park Lane in London a year ago today. I’d been doing an event there downstairs and was enjoying a glass of wine up there with a friend afterwards, before heading into Covent Garden and having many more glasses.

I think that bar was the 23rd floor. It made me a bit nervous, but only because I don’t like lifts and I have to be honest, I did walk up all of them stairs. Only to be faced with the 22nd floor sign reading ‘roof top bar access through elevator only’ and so had to get in it anyway.

But the fact is I did it. I enjoyed a drink at the 23rd floor. I walked up to the window and took pictures; I wasn’t in a rush to leave.

One year on, I can’t go higher than the 1st floor. And I have to be real with you, sometimes I struggle with that. If I go any higher, panic runs through me; I’m too far from the exit and can’t get out.

Anyway I woke up this morning and had this notification on my phone ready and waiting, so my mood hasn’t been the best so far today. Anxiety is such a frustrating thing to live with because it rids you of everything you know you’re capable of. And this photo was just another reminder of that.

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11 thoughts on “Life can change so much in a year

  1. patternsofsouldevelopment says:

    Your anxiety and phobia of heights may just stirr some very deep issues in your unconscious: some memories that have been sedimented somewhere and are possibly causing some complexes. the fact that it became more intense lately, is proof that you’re in the middle of a process meant to liberate you on the longer range. All the work of self-discovery that u have been doing is leading you there. Trust it, it’s working.

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  2. Lottie says:

    I also use Timehop. I’m not sure it’s at all healthy for me. It reminds you of good things that you may no longer be able to do, and it shows me how many years I’ve been unwell. I still haven’t deleted the app….it’s like I’m self destructing purposely on a daily basis.

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  3. pippa says:

    You have my sympathy. Anxiety is appalling and steals so much of our lives. But. You have the memory of achieving that trip to the 23rd floor. You did it. Right now that seems very far away but you really did it. One day you may do it again. I hope so. I hope you find a way to make it back up there. It’s just awful feeling limited by anxiety when we have once been so capable. I hang on to the belief that we can find ways to recover. I hope this comment doesn’t seem patronising. It isn’t meant to be. Just wanted to say hang in there, you aren’t alone.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Lou Sarabadzic says:

    I fully agree with those encouraging comments above telling you that you could also look at it that way: it also tells you how much you can accomplish – not only can, but actually have accomplished, even though it was scary and you felt anxious. I just hope you keep trying, even just one step at a time – it’s of course important to feel safe and supported. Not getting higher is not failing. It’s simply called trying. All my compassion, and take care.

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  5. Salvageable says:

    Thank you for sharing this. My thoughts are with you. I had to travel more than 850 miles by car this weekend, giving me lots of stories to share with my therapist. I tried to use some of the Mindfulness ideas you have shared. I hope you will be finishing that string of posts. No pressure or deadline; I’m just looking forward to reading the rest. J.

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  6. dimdaze says:

    So as not to trigger any bad thoughts, I’ll just say that in my early twenties I installed elevators, some in large cities. I did it for a couple of years. Now I cannot even ride one. I am able to walk up a flight of stairs to a second story level, as long as I do not have to look outside. That’s about it.

    Anyway, I want to share something else with you. I nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blog Award. There are some positive things in our lives. Check out my blog for the details. Have a good day!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Joy says:

    “One of the things I learned the hard way was that it doesn’t pay to get discouraged. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life can restore your faith in yourself.” – Lucille Ball

    Hang in there!

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