So I’ve finally decided what to do with all my free time over the next few months. The summer holidays have largely consisted of boredom so far; watching film after film and series after series – which I’m sure it will continue to do in some part, but I’ve also decided to do something proactive.

It’s simple, really.

What can I do that makes me happy? 

Art – and I haven’t done any since I finished this year of uni. So that’s number one on my list.

And secondly, what would make me happy in the future?

Getting over all this rubbish. The anxiety that stops me from doing everything. So for this next few months, my main purpose is to conquer. For a very long time now I haven’t been able to go higher than one floor in a building for fear of being too far from the exit. I have panic attacks at even the thought of it. But today, that is about to change.

I am going to spend every single day this summer walking to uni. My campus is pretty flat – much to my relief, but we do have a building which is four floors and open 365 days of the year.

jgI am going to spend my summer holidays trying my hardest to reach the top of that building.

I am going to push – one fear at a time – until this life-destroying illness leaves my body.

I am so ready to be rid of it. I am so ready to lead a more relatively normal life. When my friend asks me to visit her for the weekend, I would like to be able to say yes because I can get on a train. I would like to be able to attend all my lessons and lectures next year at uni. I would like to be able to go on holiday with my boyfriend. I would like to be able to do a lot of things that right now are impossible to me, and this is my first step. Quite literally.


24 thoughts on “Conquering

  1. themagicblackbook says:

    Amazing stuff, I’m rootin’ for you, girl!

    F.E.A.R has 2 meanings:
    Fuck Everything And Run,
    or Face Everything And Rise.

    Whenever you get scared, don’t even give it a chance to manifest, just quickly replace it with your excitement for your new life.

    Anxiety tastes bitter but freedom tastes so, so sweet. And like you say: one step at a time (literally) – every step you take is one step closer to the rest of your life.

    But don’t beat yourself up if you take one step backwards, all that means is you’ve got to re-step one that you’ve already done before, and as you’ve done it before you know that the outcome is a good one so there’s nowt to be afraid of.

    You can do it, I believe in you xx

    Liked by 6 people

  2. proudmummabear says:

    Onwards and ‘upwards’ baby girl, so proud of you and I know you can do this. Day trip to London and cocktails in a roof top bar when you come home in September!!xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. magickmogwai says:

    It’s amazing to hear you talk like this, to see the determination you have. It’s good that you have a realistic, measurable and achievable goal in mind. Just remember every step you take up those stairs is a success. Well done and good luck 😃

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Kitty says:

    Fantastic! It’s great that you are facing your fear and anxiety. It can be very difficult, but you are a strong, capable young woman. You got this!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. jennymarie4 says:

    You’ve got this Lauren! You can do it! What a great idea, great way to be productive and fight your fear. Small steps everyday. I’m rooting for you!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. aspiringaspergian says:

    Good show! Go for it! I look forward to reading the inevitable post with a picture from the top of the stairs instead of the bottom, with the accompanying caption,”I did it!”

    Simple,yet I’m sure it is inspiring to many.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. lifeofmiblog says:

    Glad to hear about the art. Can’t believe that you have had this time off and not already produced a new portfolio of pieces….are we not providing enough inspiration? 😎
    I’m sure the stairs will topple as well, particularly if you tackle them after a refreshing walk. I always find I am ready to take on the day when I get back from my walks. Can’t help you with the train but if you come to Sydney I can take you for a bus ride…
    Thanks for your post…


  8. totherapynback says:

    YES. CLAIM IT. It is your divine right to claim and practice…one step at a time, quite literally. I have a chronic illness that can keep me quite sick and makes it difficult to go in the sun. It is easy to feel defeated by our illnesses…they speak loud, all the terrible messages. But somewhere inside, the whisper is there that say’s…F’that NOISE…I am going to LIVE. I am going to talk back. I am going to EXPECT TO GET BETTER. (Not hope, or wish or maybe. Yesterday, I said to myself…F’ THIS illness, I am going to LIVE despite the pain and do that shit I want to do. I will expect that I can and will do this. (yesterday, was easier than today…but little by slowly, with practice and support, love and whatever else is in our tool box) We dust ourselves off…become grateful for the gift of desperation and climb those steps one the fuck at a time. You can do it…and when it feels impossible…reach out, rest and restart. Best to you

    Liked by 1 person

  9. ambivalencegirl says:

    Okay, I love this idea and I am going to conquer as well!! I am going to clean up my literal rubbish one room at a time. And I am going to face a few fears. I’m done running and I will rise along side of you.


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