I don’t know about the rest of you, but one of the things I find most difficult about living with mental illness is the lack of ability to express myself.
When ever I’m annoyed, upset, stressed or angry – I can never find the ways to say it. And this then contributes to the annoyance, upset, stress and anger even further; as well as irritating the people around me.
If me and my boyfriend ever argue; this is where the little things become mountains, because I can’t say how I feel. He takes it as though I’m ignoring him and won’t tell him what I’m thinking out of choice, but it’s not that – it’s not that at all. And eventually, the persistent asking of “just tell me what you’re thinking” leads to an outburst of momentary hate where the only words that can come out of my mouth are “fuck off”.
I physically cannot find the words no matter how hard I try. I can’t express what the feeling is that I’m feeling. I don’t do it on purpose; it would be much easier to just say what I need to say and then move on, but I can’t.
I want to improve on this but it’s impossible; because when it comes down to it and I’m in the moment I still can’t find the words no matter how much I want to. It’s definitely one of my biggest faults when it comes to being in a relationship. And it’s ridiculous double-standards because as soon as something’s wrong with him, the first thing I say is “just tell me what you’re thinking” – and I’m annoyed when he has no answer.