Recently I’ve just started thinking of my brain as one big bully that I can’t shake off –
to use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force them to do something.
Everything is going well in my life at the moment. I’m happy in terms of my friends and family, I’ve just moved in with my boyfriend and generally things are just going well for me. Yet my brain still won’t lay off with the anxiety.
My anxiety is everywhere, everyday, all the time. I always have a fear of being trapped, and for me that can manifest in situations that you wouldn’t even associate with ever being trapped. A closed door, lining up in a queue, walking through a busy crowd, climbing up stairs until you reach the top of the building – everywhere, everyday, all the time.
I am twenty-three years old and I have not had an anxiety-free/depression-free day since I was around fourteen. I missed out on my entire teenage years – I don’t even slightly look back on them fondly, they were horrific – and now it’s carrying on through into my twenties.
I have had enough. I should be having fun. I shouldn’t be happy in my own house but then petrified the second I step out into the real world. I should be able to go and see places and do things. I should be able to do whatever I want rather than what my brain restricts me on.
Stop it brain. Stop making my life so damn difficult. Let me live the way I want to.