Bully

Recently I’ve just started thinking of my brain as one big bully that I can’t shake off –

to use superior strength or influence to intimidate (someone), typically to force them to do something.

Everything is going well in my life at the moment. I’m happy in terms of my friends and family, I’ve just moved in with my boyfriend and generally things are just going well for me. Yet my brain still won’t lay off with the anxiety.

My anxiety is everywhere, everyday, all the time. I always have a fear of being trapped, and for me that can manifest in situations that you wouldn’t even associate with ever being trapped. A closed door, lining up in a queue, walking through a busy crowd, climbing up stairs until you reach the top of the building – everywhere, everyday, all the time.

I am twenty-three years old and I have not had an anxiety-free/depression-free day since I was around fourteen. I missed out on my entire teenage years – I don’t even slightly look back on them fondly, they were horrific – and now it’s carrying on through into my twenties.

I have had enough. I should be having fun. I shouldn’t be happy in my own house but then petrified the second I step out into the real world. I should be able to go and see places and do things. I should be able to do whatever I want rather than what my brain restricts me on.

Stop it brain. Stop making my life so damn difficult. Let me live the way I want to.

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20 thoughts on “Bully

  1. throughthetunnel42 says:

    Trust me, anxiety is a very crippling aspect of day to day living. Some days it isn’t there, and your life is fine, other days it interferes to the extent that even going to the shop becomes a trial by torture. I fully empathise with you because anxiety is like a street mugger, coming up on you when you least expect and robbing you of your mind. Hope things get better.

    Ian 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. jessicajayne25 says:

    You are not alone ❤ Anxiety sucks balls, and unfortunately for some of us it's never going to disappear. But we WILL learn to live alongside it and carry on our lives the best we can 🙂 keep fighting lauren, I believe in you ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Aggi says:

    You put everything I’ve felt into words here. My anxiety also started to get much worse when I was fourteen and even though my teenage years went horrific, I missed out on so many chances and opportunities because I didn’t want to break out of my shell and be different. I couldn’t even change my hairstyle when I was fifteen/sixteen because I thought I had to be the way people saw me and not the way I wanted people to see me.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. gettingthroughanxiety says:

    I know how you feel and it’s difficult. I too, struggle a lot with things that you mentioned. I know that sometimes you may wonder if you’ll ever get through this and you may feel like giving up. The thing is though that if we keep trying our best and consistently practicing, we WILL get through our anxiety!

    I know it may not always seem this way as you may find yourself ending up in the same (or similar) situations over and over again. Sometimes anxiety can be a roller coaster ride, but that’s why practicing facing our fears consistently is so important.

    Remember that you have people that love you and support you. Remember that you are a great person and that you are in control of your anxiety, it just takes time, energy, and commitment. I wish you all the best and if you ever need to talk, I’m here.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Salvageable says:

    Hang in there! What you are saying is so true. I was bullied by classmates for five years, and they taught my brain how to bully me–but I never realized that was true until I read your post. Lauren, you are not alone. Brighter days are ahead. Thank you for being brave enough to post such things–you speak for many of us. J.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Angharad says:

    I completely understand where you are coming from. I can relate, and you are not alone. One day, your anxiety will ease. Hang on in there, keep fighting it, and you’ll get days where the anxiety is not so bad. Keep believing x

    Liked by 2 people

    • lifeofmiblog says:

      Yes that is so true. My issue is depression but that too has had me living the life of someone I’m not. The hurt and damage I have caused in the lives of others is scary…really scary. But the person I know I am is nothing like that!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. lizziecarver says:

    Poor brain – it’s trying so hard to keep you safe by warning you of perceived dangers, but it’s got in a muddle about what is really a threat and what isn’t. Anxiety is wretched and so exhausting. Wishing you some peace…

    Liked by 1 person

  8. billgladstone says:

    Hi…
    I found your blog and the first post just struck a note with me. Because I have been worrying myself to extremes for nearly 5 or 6 years now. It turned into a really bad situation when I went off to college. My brain just keeps cooking up scenarios that make me feel scared and like I’m dying. And the most bitter part is…no amount of rational thinking seems to set it right. And nobody seems to understand. People who haven’t been in our shoes cannot comprehend just how debilitating it can be….

    Liked by 1 person

  9. lifeofmiblog says:

    Well Lauren you have certainly hit a note with many on this topic. I share the sentiments, especially when you talk about your teenage years. It was a lot longer ago for me but the result was the same…I lost my teenage years to crippling depression and anxiety that just turned me into this weirdo that people stayed away from. There wasn’t much understanding and consideration for mental illness when I was a teenager.

    Like

  10. magickmogwai says:

    You are so right, anxiety-riddled brains are big bullies. My anxiety rules over me like a bully over frightened children. But we can fight against it, it just takes a lot of strength but we will get there

    Like

  11. gentlekindness says:

    I get anxiety and feel trapped like you were saying when I am at family dinners. I also sometimes get it when I am in crowded places.

    So mine is different from yours in that it is about people around me and not places. I am ok alone or with one friend or my daughters, depending. …

    Even my older daughter is beginning to be difficult to go out with because she is getting bullying of me.

    The family functions in this house are the worst. I hate to hear my ex mother in law call to me, up the stairs. Even her voice makes me start to shake and feel nerve overload in my body.

    I am always afraid she is calling up to invite me to come down to dinner. Sometimes I tell them that I already made an appt somewhere and I have to go.

    Then I have to put my shoes on and go drive somewhere, even though I have nowhere to go. I guess that is kind of funny when I think about it.

    I run by them and they try to talk to me and I act exasperated like I am running late. ” can’t talk. I am late for an appt. ”

    Then I go rushing to my car while they are watching. Then I go drive and have nowhere to go so I go to Target or Walmart and walk around.

    What a sad existance….
    Thank you for the post. Sorry for the rant…
    Annie ❤

    Like

  12. lolabipola says:

    Hey Lauren – I’m new to your blog, and I live on the other side of the world, but… I have bipolar and anxiety, and I have found Effexor (I’m not sure what it would be called in the UK, but maybe look up “venlofaxine”) really fantastic at treating my depression AND anxiety – its an SNRI (Selective Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitor). I’ve been on a few other SSRIs before (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors), but they didn’t work so well for me. Maybe chat to your Dr about it?

    A word of caution though…. I did feel like utter crap for about three weeks (nausea, disorientation), but when it got to therapeutic levels, the change for me was unbelievable. I could’ve kicked myself for not medicating myself earlier! I haven’t felt this “normal” in many, many years… Beside my recent-ish manic episode, but thankfully that’s all over now 😉

    Good luck, and thanks for you awesome blog – I look forward to reading more from you

    Like

  13. katelseverest says:

    This really hits the nail on the head totally understand how you feel! But we will get through this and be strong! Xx

    Like

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