Earlier today

Below is a video of me earlier today. It’s not a happy video at all but it’s a real one and today I’ve just had a really bad day.

Right now, I’m just hoping that’s all it is – a bad day. I try so hard all the time to not be this way anymore. I’m just physically exhausted of panic. I hate letting people down all the time and letting myself down as well. And the thought that today it could have got worse frightened me more than anything else has in such a long time.

So I’ve spent all afternoon walking  to the end of the street, walking back, having a cuppa and starting again.

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I can’t let this get any worse. I can’t let myself be housebound. I can’t handle anymore than what I’ve already got going on.

Please know that I am already feeling much better than when I filmed this video – you have no reason to worry! But I think it’s important to show both the highs and lows of this illness. It’s not always ‘I can do this!‘, sometimes it’s ‘I really can’t do this.

We’re human at the end of the day.

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137 thoughts on “Earlier today

  1. Iphios says:

    This was brave and honest. I cried along watching the video. While I could never imagine what its like to have agoraphobia I could say in dealing with depression I do have panic attacks and i feel sometimes stuck. One of the things that I try is to let it roll away. I do the breathing exercises, the relaxation exercises, outside of that something my therapist told me helps me. She told me to acknowledge the feeling (i.e. I feel my heart rate is up, I feel my breathing is a bit difficult), but never label it. Don’t give it a name. Then let it happen, once its passed do something that doesn’t require too much cognitive engagement. I suppose labeling /naming gives it power. Reducing it into heart rates, breathing breaks it into manageable pieces. That bit of advise works for me when I do have those bad days. I’m glad towards the end your day turned a little better. I am grateful for your bravery. 🙂

    Like

  2. tyronepierre says:

    I genuinely appreciate you revealing, your very human and real experience. I wish I had some advice to offer, but what I will say is sharing your experience has touched me, I also don’t think there is anything wrong with really “feeling” human emotions, I would even argue that it’s healthier to express them than suppress them. More food for thought for me today. Thank you

    Like

  3. Barbara Gurry/rowell says:

    Lauren, having been thru this, it will get better and with your courage it can go away. A book by Dr. Claire Weeks titled HOPE AND HELP FOR YOUR NERVES
    really helped me. If I couldn’t read I would just hold onto it and scan a sentance or two. It sounds silly but if I had her book with me I could go outside. Little steps and one day it was all just over and never returned.
    My best to you

    Like

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