Like a child

It’s so strange isn’t it, how anxiety can make you feel like a little girl again with the flick of a switch.

As most of you know, my mum has been with me this weekend. She came to visit on Friday and left just this morning.

fam

Just a random photo of mum, my brother and I – because I’m feeling the family love today.

It’s fair to say that I haven’t had an easy weekend whilst she’s been here. I’ve been in a constant state of nervousness that’s made me randomly panic throughout.Β I’ve probably had ten panic attacks in four days. I’ve not gone much further than the end of my street or really done anything. I’ve panicked inside and I’ve panicked outside.

It’s generally just been a bit shitty. Of course other than the fact that I’ve had my lovely mum with me.

So today, when it came to her leaving, I reverted back to being a child. I got scared and upset, and was hyperventilating in tears for the last half an hour of her being here, all whilst being tucked up in bed watching Beauty and the Beast trying to calm down.

She did offer to stay until my boyfriend gets home off holiday tonight, but it’s ridiculous. She had a train to catch and it’s not like I can now be scared of being without my mum – she lives four hours away and I’m a 23-year-old woman!

So she left, and four hours later I am still here and I am OK.

But it’s ridiculous, isn’t it? I’ll never be too old to need my mumma. She’s the best.

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28 thoughts on “Like a child

  1. swoolfor says:

    You watch Beauty and the Beast too when you are having an episode? It’s my go-to movie. I know exactly how you feel. My dad moved to North Carolina almost 4 years ago. I live in Michigan, so it’s an 11 hour car ride to see him. I get to see him maybe twice a year, if I’m lucky. He is my hero. We are so close. I only get to see him for a couple of days at a time and I spend the last 2 days I’m with him filled with anxiety about the emotions I will face when I have to leave and commit to the almost 12 hour drive back to my life, which seems empty once I’ve left his farm. You are not alone in your anxiety. I know it often feels like you’re being a child. Not wanting to leave mom or dad, but you’re not. It’s your deep connection to comfort and safety. I share your situation. It never gets easier. But you did the brave thing in reminding yourself that you will be fine once she leaves. And you are. Look at you living as a grown up! We will be fine. πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Summer-Ice world says:

    Interestingly, my mum came visiting last week too, she lives about seven hours away, and my work schedules are so tight, i hardly have the chance to travel all the way to see her. when she was leaving on sunday, i totally wished i could keep her around much longer, but momma had to go.
    i remember those days as a little kid when she was fully around and i would wish she’ll take a trip and leave home for a while, so i could leave home to do some crazy things i knew she won’t approve of if she found out.
    i’m totally laughing at myself now, wishing i could go back to those days, when momma never had to leave, and make better use of that opportunity.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dazrahe says:

    No one is ever too old to need their mother. I find myself constantly worrying I’ll do something she won’t like, or hoping that I’ll do something that will make her proud of me. Did I mention she’s been gone over 15 years? Kudos to you and your lovely family.

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  4. amyegardner1 says:

    I’m 40 and still need my mom often! I try hard not to let her know when I’m dealing with panic or depression though. Strangely the thought of her worrying about me would make it worse. But I do count on her for lots of things. Moms are the best.

    Like

  5. jennymarie4 says:

    I still need my mom too! That will never end. πŸ™‚ I’m glad your mom could be with you this past weekend. And I hope your anxiety eases soon. And… I just nominated you for the Blogger Recognition Award! You inspire me, and I want to thank you for that. You’re so supportive and making such a difference in many people’s lives, including my own. Thank you!

    Like

  6. proudmummabear says:

    I held it together until G picked me up at the station!! I am so very proud of you baby girl and love every second we spend together. Only 3 1/2 weeks and you’re home for 2 weeks, can’t wait. Love you zillions xx

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  7. This Rubescent Life says:

    I totally understand. I certainly feel very childlike in moments of intense anxiety and panic. Sometimes I feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum. Other times I simply feel helpless. I am glad I am not the only one who feels this way.

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  8. hippyfairie says:

    I know the feeling, I’m about three years younger then you and I just moved and am on my own. It’s scarier then I thought. The first three weeks I didn’t call my mom, probaby once out of all that time and I felt aweful. Now I call her everyday, at this point even just to annoy her. It gives me a ton of anxiety to be away from her shelter. I mean, all of this is still brand new. I still feel the sting of unlatching myself from my home. I should call my mom soon, I haven’t in a day or two actually, thanks for reminding me πŸ™‚ I realized they were always right, that family will always be there rather then friends because they come and go and I spent more of my young years looking for a way out instead of keeping everyone close and cherishing it while it lasted :’/

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  9. midgetgemz says:

    Im glad you have a good relationship with your mum πŸ™‚ i wish i could see my mum and talk to her more ( she is a very busy crazy party girl at the moment!) but it can be hard to see each other as we work different shifts and shes usually doing something else. Ive never known a woman so busy haha. Luckily i am going to see her for her birthday tomorrow πŸ™‚ although a little worried about my anxiety as its going to be around a lot of other people. But hopefully should be okay πŸ™‚ its going to get harder to chat/meet up when i work in leeds and then eventually move there. Going to make the most of it while i can to see her/talk, especially since we live in the same city!

    Like

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