Day 30: What is your “safe place” when you are upset? (This can also be a person.)

31 Days of BPD

I guess my safe place is wherever someone I love is. And if they’re not around, my bedroom.

If I can’t be around someone that means the world to me, then I don’t want to be around anyone.

Ironically, because I now can’t get on trains because of my anxiety, London St Pancras is actually another ‘safe place’ of mine. OK hear me out – I know it’s weird. It’s the complete opposite. Crowded. Busy. Noisy.

I don’t know if you’ve ever been, but there’s a Starbucks made completely of glass walls that looks over the train timetables and the rest of the station. And this is where I like to sit. To the point where I’ve purposely missed trains in the past so that I can sit there longer.

I’m separated from the rest of the crazy London life, because I’m behind glass, and it puts reality back in check for me. Everyone is without a doubt annoyed and in a bad mood all the time. Typical London communiting mentality. And I don’t know if you’ve ever been to London, but if you have, you’ll know that noone interacts with eachother. It’s very singular. Everyone is out for themselves.

It’s basically the opposite of me.

I’m originally from a small town about 90 miles out of London, and the city and the people in it are completely different from that. But whilst I think an occasional ‘hello’ wouldn’t go a miss and it doesn’t mean the person next to you is trying to stab you, I think they have it right about being about themselves sometimes.

Obviously I’m only talking about commutes here. I know Londoners aren’t selfish and as hard faced as they seem down on the tube or walking through Oxford Street. They’re just sick of people as I would be if there were constantly 500 people in my way when all I wanted was to get to work or buy a pint of milk. But that’s the impression they give off in these busy, crowded, fast-pased situations, getting annoyed about the most trivial things.

So as I sit in that very Starbucks – on the high chairs facing out to the station – I watch people. Annoyed because someone just bumped into them in their panic to catch their train. Looking at their watch in horror because they’ve been delayed by fifteen minutes.

I watch people from all walks of life. Definitely not just those stereotypical Londoners. But people from all over the world after the train connections from Gatwick Airport and the Eurostar. These people are the opposite. Happy. Excited. Just wait until they get further towards the exit and notice the place they’ve chosen to come on holiday is most definitely now raining. 

I just find it interesting. It makes me desire the trivial problems instead of what’s going on in my head, and it makes me realise that sometimes I just have to do things for myself and not everyone around me. On the flipside, as the French and Japanese and Spanish and Indian and American all walk through, it reminds me where I am. In the center of London which is so easy and close for me to get to. I’m on holiday – enjoy it.