You know I say this a lot – I’m going to get over this; I’m going to face my fears. But then when it comes down to it, I avoid the situation yet again because of the sheer agonising and encompassing fear that I just can’t shake off no matter how hard I try. It’s beyond anything that I can explain, but I know some of you know what I’m talking about.
Recently though, it’s been more than just the fear. I’ve always avoided situations and sure sometimes it’s frustrating, it angers me and it completely alters my life, but in every other aspect I’ve always been happy.
My boyfriend, my family and my friends are all incredible. I’ve finally reached that stage where I’m with who I want to be with and only the friends that are genuine are still around. Even the family that weren’t worth being in my life aren’t any longer.
But this last couple of weeks I’ve lost that happiness that I’ve carried with me throughout. I suddenly feel depressed and defeated. I’m tired and sick of being this way. I loved going to Canada when I was 18 and mine and my boyfriend’s plan last year at uni was to travel the UK to random places that we pointed to on a map with our eyes closed. But instead just weeks after making those plans, this happened and I can’t even travel to the next town.
And whilst he wouldn’t want me feeling guilty at all, it means he hasn’t got a holiday this year because I can’t go. It means in January he walked three miles with me in the snow to a show we were going to see, because I couldn’t get in the taxi. It just means everything is difficult and it doesn’t just affect me.
But I think I had to reach this point. I think I had to reach this rock-bottom of whatever the hell is going on in my head. And so I’m really going to do it this time. It’s going to take a while and I already feel sick at the thought of it. But what else am I going to do?
I think a holiday is in order this time next year, don’t you?