Let’s do this.

You know I say this a lot – I’m going to get over this; I’m going to face my fears. But then when it comes down to it, I avoid the situation yet again because of the sheer agonising and encompassing fear that I just can’t shake off no matter how hard I try. It’s beyond anything that I can explain, but I know some of you know what I’m talking about.

Recently though, it’s been more than just the fear. I’ve always avoided situations and sure sometimes it’s frustrating, it angers me and it completely alters my life, but in every other aspect I’ve always been happy.

My boyfriend, my family and my friends are all incredible. I’ve finally reached that stage where I’m with who I want to be with and only the friends that are genuine are still around. Even the family that weren’t worth being in my life aren’t any longer.

But this last couple of weeks I’ve lost that happiness that I’ve carried with me throughout. I suddenly feel depressed and defeated. I’m tired and sick of being this way. I loved going to Canada when I was 18 and mine and my boyfriend’s plan last year at uni was to travel the UK to random places that we pointed to on a map with our eyes closed. But instead just weeks after making those plans, this happened and I can’t even travel to the next town.

And whilst he wouldn’t want me feeling guilty at all, it means he hasn’t got a holiday this year because I can’t go. It means in January he walked three miles with me in the snow to a show we were going to see, because I couldn’t get in the taxi. It just means everything is difficult and it doesn’t just affect me.

But I think I had to reach this point. I think I had to reach this rock-bottom of whatever the hell is going on in my head. And so I’m really going to do it this time. It’s going to take a while and I already feel sick at the thought of it. But what else am I going to do?

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I think a holiday is in order this time next year, don’t you?

Thank you for your guest post yesterday, Becky – you gave me the confidence to believe it could be done.

34 thoughts on “Let’s do this.”

  1. Leslie says:
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    I like that you are planning this well in advance. It gives you a lot of time to get your head together and be ready for a fantastic time. You are going to do great!

    Like

  3. lola gayle says:
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    I hear you. It’s totally tough. And it seems to never end. Have you ever noticed how our depression and depression feed each other? That, I think, is perhaps the most annoying part for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. jennymarie4 says:
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    You can do this Lauren! Small steps. I think it’s great to have a goal in mind. Don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s so frustrating when you have setbacks. I know. But you got this 🙂

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  9. bipolarsojourner says:
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    hey Lauren,

    it hate to be were you are. i try to anything to experience happy and everything fails. I begin to wonder if i even deserve happiness. it sucks.

    btw, the answer is yes; you deserve happiness. don’t give up hope, keep trying and happiness will work its way back into your life! sometimes the journey seems so hard it doesn’t seem possible. keep at it, happiness awaits!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. stitchx0 says:
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    Hey, Lauren! Congratulations on taking the first step; one which I have been putting off. I bought a similar workbook and haven’t been able to get started. After reading your post I am going to start. =)

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    • bylaurenhayley says:
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      It’s so difficult to get started because you know it’s going to be scary and the least fun thing in the world. But I’d rather have made some progress six months down the line rather than still being at this stage in six months! Good luck to you 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Chloe says:
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    I can relate so much to that feeling of wanting to travel! Before I started becoming more and more housebound I had almost made my goal saving for a trip to Japan… and had done some traveling in the UK and Southeast Asia… the feeling/realization of feeling like you can’t do such awesome things anymore can be crushing and heartbreaking.

    But you know what? You WILL get over this and you absolutely WILL travel, and it will be freaking awesome. And going through everything you’ve gone through/are going through, will make it that much more incredible, beautiful and awesome when you go.

    One thing that I’ve found through doing all this exposure therapy and going out after being housebound for so long, is that I never fully appreciated the beauty of the world before. Before all the anxiety, I took everything for granted in a big way. It’s kind of amazing to come out on the other side, and have those moments of just experiencing and loving life, experiencing places and things that you may not have been able to fully absorb before you went through everything you did.

    You’re going to come out of this stronger and more awesome and resilient than you ever thought possible, and it’s going to be beautiful. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  13. presencetoday says:
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    “Be the silent watcher of your thoughts and behavior. You are beneath the thinker. You are the stillness beneath the mental noise. You are the love and joy beneath the pain.”
    ― Eckhart Tolle

    Hey Lauren! I love that quote because it reminds me that my anxieties, fears and doubts are not mine at all. I am above them. The true you, the person writing this blog post, isn’t anxious. You know this because you can notice the feeling, become aware of it. So then who is the anxious ‘person’ and who is the one that is watching the angst? The first step is to notice it. When you feel fear, think; What is fear? How is this manifesting physically in my body? What does the emotion feel like? By becoming aware of it, you shine the light of awareness on the thought, and it can no longer survive. You become present.

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  14. Fatlady says:
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    I’ve dealt with agoraphobia on and off throughout my life and like yours – it hits anytime. I lost about a year and half inside of the house unable to bring myself to walk outside. Family members begged and pleaded with me and I couldn’t. It didn’t make sense because before then I was always outdoors and active. My fears didn’t stop with me. If loved ones were going to travel I would cry and pray continuously that they make it safely and I had continuous thoughts they were going to die and it would be my fault somehow (not even a religious person – spiritual though) but it was my only relief. I know how it feels to wonder why do these irrational thoughts keep happening?
    I’m glad you have a support system and know who’s really important in your life and never forget how much they love you regardless of what’s happening. Best wishes.

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  15. midgetgemz says:
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    Its not nice that you have to go through all this negativeness, it isnt easy but you are starting to take those steps to not let it stop you 🙂 it will be so worth it in the end. From experience i seem to value everything more so when i get all the shitty stuff before ( although less bad thoughts and bad things happening would be lovely) and you become a stronger person for it. you are courageous and so much ahead of you, a true role model 🙂 xx

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  16. K.M. Clarkson says:
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    Little by Little!! You are stronger than you feel. Keep going girl, and it’s okay to have set backs too. Fear can be so paralyzing. I hope the best for you!! hugs! -Kandace

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Iphios says:
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    Even the little steps are amazing. I find that while therapy and medication can work its the person’s will and spirit that takes them places. I could feel the desire to take it on from this post. I’m cheering you on! You can do it! Progress no matter how tiny is progress. So here’s to you! Cheers!

    Like

  18. jasminehoneyadams says:
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    Sorry if this posts twice, I lost network connection when I clicked “post comment,” and it doesn’t seem to have posted:
    This sounds like such a hard situation. Holidays should be fun, and it’s really crap when they can’t be. It sounded like a great idea for a holiday though, so hopefully you can do it next year.
    Also, I have nominated you for the Sunshine Bloggers award, it’s optional to do a post, so don’t feel like you’ve got to, I’ve explained the rules etc here as best as I can (I don’t really know very much about it though): https://invokedelight.wordpress.com/2015/07/20/sunshine-blogger-award/

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  20. ladycamecu says:
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    I believe you can do this and each step no matter how small is a success and relapse is a part of treatment as long as you have a backup plan for how to get back on track in advance for when those possible “off-track” moments may happen to get back on the tracks and keep going. You have to plan in advance for how to get back on track for falling off, we do not always know what will knock us off (though sometimes we do) but we do know it will happen and we have to be prepared to get back up and keep trying. You have shown your resilency thus far and I believe you ahve a great deal more in you which is why your family and friends rally so strongly behind you; they can see what you may not at times! You got this! {HUGS} & Prayers!

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  21. tessaani says:
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    Been following your blog for a while but never commented. I’ve just started experiencing a similar thing – also when everything feels like it was going so well. I believe and hope that both of us get through this. Thank you for being so honest on your blog

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